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Sunday, 06 May 2007

  • ahm nom nom nom...

    I'm hungry....i doubt we have food...we are lame like that...

    This weekend has been good so far ^_^ Friday went to school....got Quandre lovings, that kid never hugs me so it was odd o_O  anyway...after school i came home half cleaned my room, did laundry and attempted to sleep...but kenny called and killed my sleeping plan. But thats cool. He picked me up and we went to his house after obtaining a mutt.  We eventually went back to mutt's and like yeah ^_^  Made a fire...had funs...Except that Kenny went inside and didn't come back out..leaving Mutt and I with Hound...we fell asleep XD i woke up and went inside to be all warm and stuffs. I woke up being cuddled by a kenny ^_^  we came back to my house and i did the writing parts of making his dnd thing....I got to decide what it looked like too!! i just didn't name it >_< oh well...

    momma and i went shopping yesterdays...for shoes for prom ^_^  and today we are going shopping just to shop. Cuz we can do that.  Oh oh!!!! Mikey called me yesterday ^_^ That made me uber happy. I talked to him for like 2 hours and like yay!  I misses him, he needs to come home >_< 

     

    anyway...i'm off to find foods and to poke at a kenny through aim.....BYES!!

Sunday, 29 April 2007

  • I  realized i miss the boys. And how comfy i am with them around. Like....with kate i sometimes feel like i gotta watch what i say...doesn't mean i always do but i feel like it needs to be done. Like i'm like that with all my girl friends...and a select few guys. But mostly just the girls...like jr year....i always sat with the ROTC boys....why? I felt better there...i felt like i wasn't being judged and that i could very well say "i don't like (insert ROTC kid)" and know that they wouldn't go back and say something to that person causing an issue. But the girls...i feel like i say "oh i don't like christi-anne" and the next day Christi-anne is glaring at me because some one was all "carrie doesn't like you!!" and thus issues.  I think i was called a whore because i hang with guys alot... its not like i wanna sleep with them all...and its not really my  fault that most of the guys i hang with are really cute... like mutt, bb, ken, sokol and noel...definately not my fault...they are just fucking amazing people to be with. I never feel out of place with guys. it always seems as if they are more accepting...they don't present as much drama...when they have it...its not out in the open. Or its not a regularly discussed thing. And i like that...I guess in a way that makes me "one of the guys". Though i'd still like to know other reasoning behind that assumption other then this kinda new discovery.

    So...so far this weekend has been fun.

    Kate and i did a girls night out with momma friday...went to lemongrass for dinner. it was sooo yummy. then we came back and tried watching science of sleep...all three of us fell asleep in momma's bed. it was comfy ^_^  but joe made kate and i move..cuz he's a bitch. Anyway. So kate and i goofed off this morning...had pancakes and like were stupid...joe said reading was bad for us cuz at some point each of us had a book....joe's dumb.

    Kate went home and we went to chads wedding. It was cool. Momma said i was rude for looking better then sandy at her own wedding XD Donna agreed. It was great...sandy was being a whore so it doesn't matter... i'm glad to see Chad finally settle down but like....he can do so much better. Anyway it was all good. Mom and i made fun of people as always...made fun of some of our own family XD we are mean people really.

    Came back home and lene and i went to see Vacancy. That was cool...like these wigger bitches in front of us almost had Lene's shoe in the  back of their heads like 5 times cuz they wouldn't shut up...they lauged the entire time...like i wanted to pull their weave out....cuz you know even though they are white they need the weave so they can seem black so their drug dealer boyfriends will actually want something to do with them....(knows that makes no sense but deal with it)

     

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

  • "A never-ending story," Kattack agreed.  "Yes.  We could do that

    "It's been done," The Baron pointed out.  "And it had a beautiful ending."

    From a story type thing Lene posted online.  It made me happy for some reason... But i like knowing that no matter how amazing a story is and no matter how much i don't want it to end...that it will. That it will give closure to those characters and to my own mind.

    When i was little, the silly child that i was, always thought differently then i'm sure i should've. At six i believed that all humans weren't really alive...but we were merely dolls. Dolls that someone played with...ones that they destroyed when they no longer had a story for the doll to follow. When i was a little older i applied it to my view of God....God became that person playing with the dolls. That it brought him some kind of satisfaction...

    In some way the same thing applied to the books i was read, or the few i could read on my own, as a child.  That the people that wrote these stories where creating several different worlds...and that they were putting these innocent people through so much (whether it be pain or not) just for their own amusment. They found some form of satisfaction of allowing a girl of 17 find true love in a vampire boy that could never have her for fear of killing her; in killing a young boys parents to place him with the family that hated him most...just so he could find good friends and nearly lose them each year of his life. Or even to create a utopia and allow some one to figure out that it really wasn't, that it truely was a horrid place and he tried to save him self and his infant brother by running away...only to be killed just feet away from his true Utopia.

    To me...writers play God. They create life and the most beautiful worlds just to currupt them, just to allow pain, suffering and distruction....mind you several of these do end happily...but was it really worth it? Putting your creations life in danger to save someone they love...just so in the next volume you can allow them to figure out it really wasn't worth it for them? That their love faded because it was just a crush that they wanted to be so much more because of circumstances?

    I love stories...don't get me wrong...but this was something that just recently came up again. As i said i had these thoughts as a child...deffinately not in so many words, and not as much thought as there is now. But these thoughts were still there...always in the back of my mind...There are people that dedicate their lives to trying to find how to create a living breathing human....but really how do we know that not only have we created humans, but we've created worlds and new creatures? Whats to stop that theory of multiple universes, and our sotries being just that...?The String Theory i believe it was called.

    okay i'm rambling about nothing and i'm done XD sooooo BYE

Thursday, 12 April 2007

  • my head is in so many different places. I don't know what to think and i don't knwo what to feel anymore.

    I refuse to lose him. but it seems like that everything i do is doing just that.

    I'm trying my best to understand both him and whats going on. I'm trying my best to do as he's asked. But i'm a bit slow...i'm completely blind in some cases. I don't see everything...but i sat there last night in between text doing my best to see what happened. And i only really got the surface things.  And i hate it because i know there is  so much more but i didn't get it.

    I feel like i'm always apologizing for things...which i don't care if i've done something, but i don't get apologies often....even if it was for the same thing and i can point that out. So each time it makes me feel like the fuck up. Like i'm being immature and stupid about everything. I feel like one little mistake could put everything on the line. And each time we fight i feel as if i am going to lose him.

    He compared me to ashley last night...i'm not her! She's a drama queen that did anything for attention. She didn't have opinions on things.....thats not me. I do have opinions. Most of the time i state them, if its something small i might not. But i do voice my opinions and i'd rather be in the backgroud watching whats going on then bringing attention to myself....i'd rather stay away from the drama if i can help it....It just pissed me off that he compared me to her....

    I talked to Bunnie alot last night. I ranted about it all....she ranted about her own shit. The initial rant was only five minutes long...and i started as soon as she said hello. She just laughed and asked if i felt better...then talked things out with me.  The only thing i really realized while talking to her is that i don't know him like i thought i did. I realized i wasn't able to read him like i thought i could. I half wish i could've talked to BonBon....but i also didn't want BonBon going back and end up making things worse....Bunnie won't do that.

    I like other guys, and i'm trying to use my interest in them to make the whole "I'm not with Him" thing easier...but its not. I think a few i've compared to him and been all "yeah well no.." and lost interest. There are a few i haven't done that with....and they don't show interest. I wish one would, he's sweet. I know he's a good guy, when he wants to be he's smart.....but yeah. It doesn't seem like there is more then friendship with us.

    I couldn't concentrate in school....the morning circle didn't seem right...i guess cuz i had so much on my mind i just felt disconnected from them. Found out Matt makes a good pillow...but even then when i was comfy laying on him i was still completely out of it. I didn't really socalize stole coffee as usual. Kate kept looking at me odd...i think she knew something was wrong. But nothing was said. In class i zoned out alot...like i'd hear the pages turn and be like "wait didn't we just start reading that page like 2 seconds ago?" I kept up with the page turning....and doozed off every so often. Even the little i was allowed to sleep in class was restless....my head would wander from one issue to the next.  I want to lay down sooo bad right now and just sleep....but i can't. I can lay down and lay awake for another 3 hours...then complain when i have to go to work and i'm tired as fuck.

     

    wow...this got really jumpy...like i doubt it makes sense....but whatever...it helped settle my thoughts some....

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

  • Titles shouldn't exist

    Life's been good!!! YAY GOOD!!!!!

    Easter weekend was spent goofing off with Mike and Kenny. Mike and I talked momma into going to Fudruckers friday for a fundraiser for Spencer's Fratternity. Kenny and Joe came with...it was interesting to say the least. Mike Spent the night which was good, we both needed girl time after friday...cuz friday sucked for both of us. But thats cool. We ranted, we called random people, we smoked and there wasn't enough good alcohol...so we didn't get shitfaced like we wanted. But thats ok.

    Went out to dinner with the family Saturday....fun enough. Chad was my date haha!!! I think ever since i've liked boys i've had this thing for Chad. I dunno its weird. He's somewhere between 9-12 years my elder....i don't know exactly. I think its because he's the only real "cowboy" i know... I get to wear his cowboy hat at his wedding....haha He won't get it back. Momma and i won't allow it. XD

    Sunday was easter (duh)  I got to spend most of the day with Kenny. Made me uber happy ^_^ Interesting stories.....apparently teh grandmother seems to think that Kenny drives slow. She couldn't understand why we went to blockbuster and back so fast...she wasn't taking into consideration that there we 3 cars on the road. *shakes head* that was a good laugh.

    Work is well. I end up debating with Sean alot. But its cool. The kid is neat, opinionated...much like me...so it makes things real interesting for Holly and whoever else is working.

    I needs to start hanging out with People again. Like I have plans with Erika now (just made them 2 seconds ago!!!) but no Kate or Lene plans...No Bunnie plans....BUT!!!! I'll make it all work!!! I'll make plans...cuz i can!!!

    And before we part a few words from  Erika:

    Insert Erika's screenname here If the whole human race lay in one grave, the
    epitaph on its headstone might well be: `It seemed
    a good idea at the time.'
     May those who love us love us
    And those who don't love us
    May God turn their hearts,
    And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
    May He turn their ankles,
    So we'll know them by their limping.
    If you are lucky enough to be Irish, then you are lucky enough.
    Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

    Insert same name Only Irish coffee provides all main essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

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